Just saw Sam my therapist/friend/Goddess/fucking Magic Wand waver!
I had not been to see her in too long a time!
Admittedly, I fell captive again the the ‘Oh I feel well bullshit so I don’t need reinforcements’
Thus, in time, I fell captive to my Tenant’s claws. So I had to put my head down in a bit of shame and book a session to see her and get her to either hug me or give me a kick up the bum!
Literally, that was my text message to her: ‘I need to book a session for you to either give me a hug or a kick up the arse!’
She did both!
She did hug me!
And she also did, very gently, professionally and patiently, give me the much needed kick up the bum.
Her kicks up the bum come in the subtle and bloody eye opener ‘Yes Sam, I hate to admit I know exactly what you are saying, I just forgot to use the tools I learnt from you’ way.
What I once again learnt from today was that my pattern of behaviour had veered back to the old pattern of getting sassy and over confident in feeling better so I ‘forgot’ the tools learnt throughout the many years of various therapies.
And slowly but surely (knowingly, but preferring to ignore it) I started to spiral downwards again. You would have noticed it from various recent posts.
I have to admit I am hesitant about writing this one today because the thought process in my head goes a bit like this: ‘OMG Maria, people are going to think you are absolutely bonkers; down and out one day, fighting Depression with all your might another day, offering Depression a cuppa another day and now this… yes! On yet another day!
A dear friend once gave me feedback on one of my posts: ‘I read your post last night. I didn’t quite understand what you actually meant by it. It was a little all over the place. I guess that is the Depression?’
My reply was ‘yes my beautiful friend, my head is a little all over the place at the best of times, imagine what it’s like when I’m down and out with my Tenant convincing me of such shit that I come to totally believe it!’
So again, going back to the point of fearing everyone will think I’ve gone bonkers. I haven’t. This is what it’s truly like.
One day you wake up feeling a bit negative which in normal circumstances, one would consider it to be just a ‘bad hair day’… But in the circumstances of someone dealing with this stupid Tenant, those seemingly normal negative or ‘bad hair day’ thoughts start crawling and moving into your head and spreading like a bloody vine until they have captured your mind so completely that you have no space to breathe let alone think clearly.
This is why it’s so important to reach out and talk to someone!
I should call my Therapist my ‘mind gardener’, she helps me prune and cut down that vine until light shines through again and I can start seeing things for what they really are.
In my specific case, I let the pain of my negative thoughts consume me and my mind so much that I get locked in it and struggle to get out of my head again on my own.
I am by no means belittling the pain anyone battling with this Tenant feels. Believe me! And remember I feel it more often than I would like!
What I was reminded of today though, is that we have the choice to make any move, decision or even think of any thought we desire.
We struggle with something very dark which in many instances overwhelms us.
But guys, we have a choice to do something about it or not! We have the choice for that vine to completely block out the light or we have the choice to look for someone to help us cut it down.
Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a family who understands, friends who understand, and a ‘magic wand waver’ who I can reach out to when in need.
But you all have that choice too!
Please reach out! Even if it’s calling a Hotline, or gathering up a little courage to admit to a friend you are feeling like shit, or even if it is through here, leaving an anonymous comment venting…
I have realized through this Blog that there are soooo many of us out there struggling with the same or similar things. And many times, simply knowing someone else out there feels the same, can be enough to give you that gentle kick up the bum to try and choose to do something about lifting that dark and heavy fog that surrounds you or the vine that squeezes so hard it leaves you out of breath!
Please always remember there is a person behind these words who completely understands and gets it. A person you can count on for support! (without forgetting that said person is not a Professional please!)
Guys, we are bloody strong! We may believe we are not at times, but we are! We all have that innate survival reflex!
Survive please! It is hard, I know, but it is totally doable!
Remember, my words are not bullshit or what I think you want to hear (or read)! They come from knowing exactly where you are at! Please believe me and believe in these words!
You are definitely not alone and again, I will repeat as I have in many a post, I am being completely open and I am sharing all of my feelings and thoughts and fears and crazy moments because I also am one struggling with this Tenant! So you are NOT alone!!!
Sam, thanks for doing some ‘mind gardening’ with me today! (I was about to type ‘Thanks for pruning my vine’ but that would have sounded very wrong!;) hahaha
Please share and talk, because it is so important that the message gets out there!
We have choices! Yes, many of us need help in deciphering them or in how to go about making them, but the help is out there!
With that, I truly want to thank you all for following the Blog and for your incredible support! It means more than I could ever put into words! And my wish is to return that support to you through my words!