Many of you will relate to this post (or aspects of it) others…well, let’s say they will either hit next or fall asleep or even laugh at the ‘all over the place’ of my writing.
Because I can already see as I start this post that it will be all over the place.
Well then, welcome to my world. A world of ‘all over the place thoughts’…
Those who follow or visit this post regularly may have noticed I have been somewhat silent. Yes, I have been silent but my mind hasn’t, hence the break.
I suddenly lost motivation to share my days and feelings and thoughts.
Firstly yes, i have had a couple of lows and with the lows come insecurities, doubts, frustration, anger, etc.
Let me explain. I love writing and love the feedback I have always received. It makes me happy to see and hear readers can relate and take away positives from the stuff I share. It truly does! And because it does, I want to do more, and better, and more interesting, etc.
Unfortunately, that to me means putting extra pressure on myself and deviating from the reason why I write what I write.
I suddenly start feeling I have nothing else interesting to say, I start feeling afraid of disappointing you, fear I have said all there is to say etc…..
Buuuut then one day light shines upon me and I remember the reason behind this Blog, and remind myself that I am not writing to win people over or keep people interested. I am writing this to show the reality of living with this ‘Tenant’ and to share the fact that it is real, that nobody going through something similar is going through it alone.
I would have benefited from knowing of a Blog of this kind when I had bad bouts in the past, but was unaware of how to find them.
So here I am, hoping that this falls onto someone who needs the reassurance that YOU ARE NORMAL, hahaha, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT A DOWNER, YOU ARE NOT WEAK, FRAGILE, ‘TOO SENSITIVE’ etc.
These few weeks I took off from writing also served as a bit of a soul searching time. And this is my conclusion:
Yes we are dealing with something we wish we weren’t dealing with.
Yes we get overwhelmed.
Yes we fall.
Yes we somewhat pick ourselves back up a bit.
Yes, we also sometimes hide it.
Yes we feel miserable about it.
Yes we feel guilt for feeling this way.
Yes we want to give up sometimes.
Yes we feel less than anyone else at times.
Yes we at times feel like frauds because we put on this facade which at the end of the day drains everything out of us and when we get a moment alone we end up breaking down!
But the thing is, and please bear with me while I try to explain my ‘aha’ moment hehehehe😏
We are NOT depression, or anxiety or bipolar, or bpd or whatever mental health issue we are battling.
They are ‘something’ we unfortunately have to deal with but they DO NOT DEFINE US!
They do not define who we truly are. We are a unique human being that has this surrounding us, but it does not make us who we are.
We need to try really hard to practise to separate ‘our selves’ from that and acknowledge it is not a part of who we are.
It may be something we feel and live and deal with every single day but it is separated from who we are inside, from who we are in essence.
Once we can truly understand and see that concept, or better said, once I truly understood and saw that concept, I actually felt a huuuge sense of relief!!!!
We don’t want what we are battling with, we didn’t one day decide to have depression or be so anxious that we cannot leave the house.
One day it just happened for us.
And yes, I cannot stress enough how important it is that you make the choice to do something about it and seek help in figuring out what the triggers are and learn to manage it all.
But what I am trying to say is that we are sooo very much more than this part of us that we feel takes our whole world!
I, for example, am not Maria the depression lady or the depressed woman over there. I am Maria first of all. I am my own person who, granted, still needs to continue doing a bit more soul searching hahahah, because defining myself as ‘depression’ has taken its toll on me and who I am beneath that, but at least I have realised there is sooooo much more to me that the ‘sad me’!
And I can 100% assure you that there is soooooo much more of you than what you are battling!!!!!!
Guys, we are all hiding somewhere beneath what ails us, we just can’t figure out how to fully come up to the surface. We may see glimpses every now and then, but we feel we can’t necessarily quite make it to the surface, right? And so we judge ourselves for being weak and not finding the strength to get there and find ourselves again.
But guyyyysssss!!!!!! We don’t need to find any strength, nor ourselves!!!!! Because neither our strength not our own selves are lost!!!!!
YOU, me dear reader, are sitting, or standing or lying right there reading this, are you not????? You have the strength to read these words, from someone who may remind you of stuff you feel and stuff that hurts, but you have not dug yourself under a rock forever, have you!!!!
You are still here and around!!!!!
That is strength!!!!
That is YOU still standing regardless of what or how you feel!!!!
That is you!!!!!!
You have not lost yourself!!!!!!
This mental health issue you have going on has tricked you into believing you, the being you truly are, is no longer!
But can’t you see how wrong you have been in believing it?
Hello to YOU! Not whatever you ‘suffer from’.
Hello to YOU my friend!!!!!!!
I totally know you are there!
Do something for me and with me right now.
Close your eyes and take a biiig deeeep breath through your nose, feel that air coming into you, and gently let go of it.
That split second was 110% YOU!
No sadness, no anxiety, no fears etc. That was youuuuu!!!!!
So when you take a breath like this again, say hi to you, the you inside! Because that is where you are!!!:)
Take the time a few times a day to do that and visit and maybe say a few nice things to your inner self!
I am doing it and it gives me a little bit of relief!
Some prefer to chat to themselves looking at themselves in the mirror. Well, if you’re like me though, you may not like what you currently see yet.
However, by visiting myself through a long deep intake of breath often, and keep reminding myself that my true me is there and not lost, simply ‘forgotten’, I hope to start doing so!
Come on guys, continue to join me in travelling this journey together! 💗