The Million Dollar Question 

So many things go through my mind.
I think non stop of what I need to do to improve in so many aspects of my life (personally).

This will all sound negative and as if I’m feeling sorry for myself… but please bear with me and read on…
So back to the millions of thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis…

Things such as: enjoy life, be motivated, don’t give up on things, get healthy, get fit, be more present, action stuff that I always leave for tomorrow, etc, etc, etc.
How the hell do I start?

When do I start?

I’m tired.

I’m demotivated.

I procrastinate.
I am so good at giving advice but I am such a hypocrite because at times it is sooo hard for me to do what I advise. It makes me feel a failure.

Maybe I’m just a dreamer with no guts to get up and do. But I sooo wish to do!!!!! 

And yes, I know to take baby steps, but at times they seem so insignificant that I see no improvement in whatever it may be that I’m taking them for, so I go back to square 1.
Look, I’m not putting my arms down, this is not what the Post is about. This Post is about the reality of my days.
Guys, this is such a hard battle, and yes it can be fought and won, but hey, we are allowed our frustrations along the way!!!!! 
I get tired… I get overwhelmed, I get claustrophobic…
This is the reality of a person battling this ‘Tenant’. The ups and downs, the doubts, the inspirations, the doubts again.

I am overwhelmed because I read so much, I ‘study’ so much. And the more I read, the more I learn. But at this precise moment what I learn is that I have to do so much to change!  Just the thought of it all exhausts me!!!!! 

But im not giving up. I may slow down, but not give up!

Sometimes I think, all I need is a clear slate. Actually, TIME TO CLEAR MY SLATE, and then start again! I can’t seem to organise myself to find that time! Aaaggghhhhh!!!!! Hehehe can you read my frustration???;)
Early this morning, in the quiet of the morning I was thinking, as I do every morning, ‘when are you going to get started Maria?’ And the answer that came to me nice and clear is that there is never a ‘good’ time… and it doesn’t depend on anyone else but me, as I mentioned in previous posts…. Bloody hell though, its a heavy weight on our shoulders isn’t it? 

But I continue to choose to believe that we can do it! 

So the next question to myself would be, ‘ok, so I start now…. but WHAT from the millions of thoughts do I start with???!!!!
I believe this is what many of us feel day in day out, even though we may appear differently or may put on a smile, or continue to push…. 

The ‘Tenant’ is always there, we just need to accept it and deal with it, right? We need to manage it and although we get frustrated, we need to keep reminding ourselves that the battle is worth fighting! 

At times we may wonder what makes it worth fighting for, but let that ‘wondering thought’ wander off and again you will see and realise why it is so worthwhile! 

Look at yourself in the mirror, bags under your eyes and all, and see you are standing right there, hopefully with some knowledge and awareness that so many of us go through the same, and understand, and are going through this with you. 

We are not alone in this!

Today I could really do with help and ideas from you my friends! (I did say this Blog would be a shared journey;))

So what are your thoughts guys?
How do I manage all these dizzying thoughts???
How do I stop and start again?????
How do I get off my bum and start making meaningful changes???? 
How do I learn to have for my own self, the same love, respect and pride I have for others???
So the Big Million Dollar question:

Hooowwwww?????

xx

11 comments

    Thank you Virginia for saying so well exactly what I often think when I read Maria's posts. Gratitude and counting your blessings is what I grew up with n it was drummed into me! "Just think of the starving millions, the refugees and the kids growing up with no love or even food!" But it is often very hard when life seems to be dishing out lemons ... to be grateful!?! But .... Hell you know it really does work. Just think of Oprah! LOL! One of the best medicines I've received for dealing with depression is just that. .. write in a gratitude journal every night before going to sleep. I was told to think of at least 3 things to be grateful for... I always write 5! Every night no matter how tired or after one too many wines (my handwriting is dreadful) I still sit with an empty page n reflect on my day. Sometimes it is just simple things like "our beaut dinner" or a phone call from a friend. I got the grocery shopping done when I couldn't be bothered. My son told me he loved me at the end of a text. I went for a walk alone without my beloved dog. I really feel blessed by the end of it ... for the simple things we take for granted. Like a sunny blue sky warm day or even a rainy wet miserable one which justifies just watching the telly n taking time out. This makes me realise that I am glad to be here n interested to see what's gonna become of the future. Since doing this I have really overcome a lot of the sadness in my life. The past is over n I cannot change any of it so I welcome what lies ahead n hope that my own contribution to life will serve me well. I still get down about my health, my age, my weight and my smoking but each night I thank God or whomever for my wonderful husband n family. I am not alone tho there are plenty of times I've felt that way. To know that there are wonderful folks out there like Sam helping us & including us in her life means so much. I live in a wonderful part of the world here in Ourimbah and have some beautiful neighbours who include me in their lives. So I do feel blessed right now and you know what the universe is giving back to me. Thank you all I am grateful! Oh and Maria ... I am right here ANYTIME. With love ❤️ P x

    Anonymous | 3 weeks ago Reply

    Lots of interested comments here. I agree with the 1st one: meditation everyday. And with this, gratefulness will come along. Meditation brings you to the present moment. Life happens in the now. Nor in the past nor in the future. Also meditation is s great tool to quiet the mind.

    candombera | 2 months ago Reply

    Our brain generates more than 50,000 thoughts per day. The problem for most of us our mind feeds us useless fear based past/future narratives that make no difference to us in the present moment. The same stale repetitive thoughts about not having enough, not doing enough and not being enough makes us feel inadequate, powerless & helpless. We create even more resistance by attaching good/ bad labels to our incoming thoughts. Try to find time to meditate daily. Starting with a few minutes and increasing the time gradually. Find a quiet spot. Acknowledge the thoughts that pass through your mind and then move them along. Meditation teaches you to be mindful of your incoming thoughts- aware of your inner monologue.You don't have to act on them. Eventually allowing you to think more clearly and creatively about everything happening in your life. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like your best friend. You are perfect just as you are xox

    Anonymous | 2 months ago Reply

      Wow!!!! Thank you so much for this comment!!!! It is exactly what I have been needing!!!! Yes, I am trying to work on being kind to myself... I believe that is the key to be able to start.... starting by looking at myself and accepting myself...and to then move forward from there. I did meditate as you mentioned. I had left it aside for a couple of weeks while my mind was having a party in itself... so after reading your comment which grounded me a bit again, I meditated before going to sleep last night. This morning I woke up 'lighter' than I had in a few weeks! So to you, my anonymous reader, I say Thank you!!! x

      Maria | 2 months ago Reply

    Question: How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One piece at a time. I love procrastination, it's such a pity I've never seen it in either the required or, desirable attributes of the ideal candidate in a job description. Cause I'd nail it! I’ve realised, that there is no easy way around it. I need to take the first step then follow it up with another… And another… And… In this age of technology, we could spend the rest of lives learning how to fry an egg… I’m serious! You literally could, Google it, last time I checked, there was more than 33 million results! Jesus, that’s like a PhD right there! I’m as fly as f#ck when it comes to frying eggs. I’m the Chuck Norris of egg frying but, that don’t mean a thing unless I put a pan on the stove… Procrastination is like your bed on a winter Sunday morning. It’s comfortable, warm and it’s what you know. Why would you want to leave it? Getting up to fix yourself some of the finest fried eggs god’s green earth has ever seen, seems a worthy cause. You can dream about it, visualise your success but, then, you start thinking, in detail about the process of getting there. You’re going to have to leave your bed, get cold, find something cold to wear (before it becomes warm). Sneak past the kid’s rooms because, for the first time ever, they’ve forgotten you exist and have been playing peacefully… Together, did I mention peacefully? You manage to get into the kitchen, get the pan out, the stove on. You’re about to make the magic if not, history happen. Damn sure this event will be the stuff of legends, your great grand kiddies going to be telling their kids about it. But wait, that’s a lot of pressure! What if I stuff up? Break one of those yokes and, how am I ever going make this work? I’m competing against Chuck Norris for fuck sake! Nope, thank the gods I thought that through before leaving my bed! That could have been a real catastrophe… Only problem is now, I’m bloody hungry!!!

    onemanscave | 2 months ago Reply

      Hhahahaha I absolutely love what you've written!!!! It is SPOT ON! I literally feel that way about most things but now after reading this, I'm curious about the whole frying eggs thing....could I master it? Ive read somewhere about the 5,4,3,2,1 rule. You count from 5 to 1 and by 1 you are up doing whatever it is you are procrastinating about or on. And because I dont like to loose, it seems to be working... whatever works, right? Thank you, as always! x

      Maria | 2 months ago Reply

    I wish with all my heart I knew the answer. I often describe my head as being like a child scribbling on paper with a crayon. Yes it is exhausting, sometimes we have the energy and sometimes we don't. It's hard to keep positive when the energy has left us. But having experienced the good times I know I can get there again.....I'm just impatient and want it now! Keep reading, keep studying and one day we will find the solution that works for us. Sending you the biggest 'virtual' hug I can find.xxxx

    Janet | 2 months ago Reply

      Again, thank you for your thoughts!!!:) and thank you for sharing!!!!! 💗

      Maria | 2 months ago Reply

    I want to know too!

    Anonymous | 2 months ago Reply

    Hello Darling Girl. Another interesting insight to the big "D". You know the one thing that I find that stands out to me when you talk about all the thoughts that go through your head? Its just that !!!! ALL the thoughts you have in your head..... Now i know im not an expert by any means, but i just dont think that I have that many thoughts. Sure i often ponder about things, wonder how I can do things better, think about my future, worry about others, have sleepless nights worrying about things, but there are many things now that just dont concern me anymore especially the things i have no control over. I have no control over how people see me. I have no control over my children and their journey in life even though I dont always agree with their choices. I have no control over my family members personal frustrations except by being here if they need me. I have no control that it doesnt matter how much house work I do I'll never get to the end of it. I dont have control over my ageing process except by looking after myself as well as i can. Etc....Etc...Etc.... Ive just come to the realization that it takes up too much damn energy thinking and worrying about things I cant control. I think that by being able to clear my mind of the negatives and really focus on being so grateful for my amazing life, healthy family, the beautiful place where i live, lovely friends, the blue sky and the green grass and the warm sun and having everything i need for a great life, im able balance the scales to the positives. As I said im no expert on D or really what you go through, so I hope that what ive written doesn't sound too simplistic, I have absolutely no intention of that. I just thought i would share my thoughts with you about what goes on in my head. Hope it helps. Love you....xxxx V.

    Virginia Donovan | 2 months ago Reply

      Thank you sooo very much for sharing!!!!!! And no, it does not sound too simplistic!!!! It sounds real! And it's what works for you!!!:) you have said lots of interesting things and made very interesting points! You've certainly got me thinking! But in a good way!!!:) thank you!!!!! And also thank you for always being there my friend!!! I agree with a lot of what you wrote and need to work into putting some of it into practice!!! 💗

      Maria | 2 months ago Reply

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