The continuous and daily struggle

So this is my journey and having committed to sharing it, here it goes…

I ask myself these questions as soon as I wake up every single day:

‘What will today bring?’

‘How will I feel in 5 minutes?’

‘I’m inspired right now’, then literally 1.7 min later, ‘oh I think I’ll go for another little sleep’. 

Before I continue with this I would like to make one thing clear: I am talking about me, my person and it is in no way a reflection on how I feel about my family or friends! This is purely the conversations in my own head. So family and friends, please don’t feel you don’t give me joy because this post is not about you, it’s about me and my own head;)
So lets continue…
Example scenario…
I have the day off today, I will work on my blog, paint my nails, catch up on housework, sweep the leaves, watch my favourite show, go for a walk, etc.

End of my day off: accomplished absolutely none of the above! And have no idea what I really spent the day doing!
But then, on other days, when I least expect it and when I don’t plan it, I have all the energy in the world and without realising it, I accomplish heaps of things I never even thought I would attack on that day…
Who in this world can explain this to me?????

It is sooo frustrating!
I guess the issue is that ‘planning ahead’ for a person who battles with this tenant doesn’t necessarily work that well! Which is a show stopper for many of us, isn’t it?
In my experience one has such great intentions and you give it all you’ve got but it never quite pans out how you envision it all to pan out!
Who feels like sometimes getting off the world for a bit, take a break, really clear your mind, tidy it up, and then hop on again with renewed clear and fresh energy???
I think also the mundane and monotonous daily routines most of us live bore us to death and do not give us the impression that we ever get a breath of fresh air!
There is also the issue of, ‘I am so busy, I’ll get to ‘that’, whatever ‘that’ may be, later’. 
Many ‘laters’ later, ‘later’ actually never comes does it??? Or we want to do in one ‘later’, all the ‘laters’ we left for ‘later’ 😉

You see, my biggest question and I think road block is the following question I ask myself a million times a day: ‘when will I enjoy my days?’
Who can relate to that? Who feels a slave to their daily routines?. A slave to their daily confusing thoughts? Who agrees that maybe many of us are sooo bored and frustrated that we see no way out?????
In my particular case, I am completely bored and feel I am wasting my days in an unfulfilling job which uses up the majority of my days. 
In my dreamy head, I feel I could be doing so much more and using my hours in such a more productive, self fulfilling, loving, sharing and caring way!!!!!

Instead, I am frustrated, short of patience, angry, sorry, and completely unfulfilled!

I do not recognise the person I am because I know there is so much more of me than just this shell!

I pump myself up, I read, I reflect, I think positively and it does work, but many, and I mean many times, it is very hard to keep at it and put it into practice!

I know I preach but sometimes don’t practise what I preach and I don’t like myself for that! I desire to lead by example but i guess sometimes I am not the right example! 
My dream is to inspire, to motivate but I have to first learn to inspire myself, right?
So I ask myself ‘when will this happen?’ ‘When will it come to me?’ ‘When will I feel like I want to feel?’

I look for it everywhere! And sometimes I feel it, for fleeting moments…

There is something I do know and always have: that it starts with us. 
Ok, yes, it starts with us but how???

My biggest goal is to practise gratitude, but to practise it from my core, not because I say it but because I feel it, and it is very difficult to feel when one is not feeling like themselves or like the great version of themselves that they know they can be!
It’s also difficult when we, like me, make the mistake of always looking elsewhere!

So I will start to look inward and will not be scared or shy about what I find, because we are who we are inside our hearts and not inside our minds, and I will insist on finding and practising and being who I, in my heart and soul, am!
So pre-warning you, I don’k know what I’ll find hahahaha but I am choosing to believe it will be something good!:)
And I will be able to deal with my daily ‘whats’ and ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’ in a much better way!
Actually, just thinking now, maybe we don’t need to ‘find’ ourselves, but to ‘allow’ ourselves to be?
Mmmhhh food for thought…
xx

 

4 comments

    Yet again Maria it seems you've been looking inside my mind too. Thank you for putting it down in writing so i(we) can all look at it more objectively. It's so comforting knowing I'm not the only one thinking and feeling these things. In fact I feel quite 'normal' reading your blog as it shows me I'm not going mad, but merely experienceing this dammed awful depression as others do. Thank you 😘

    Janet | 3 months ago

    Look at this beautiful day, go out, smell the flowers. Do not overthink it. Besos

    candombera | 3 months ago

    I give myself roadblocks all the time....can't do it, shouldn't do it waking up i say here we go again same day same things to be done,I don't want to do any of them sometimes. I have daily conversations in my head "you should be doing this go swimmimg go take photos etc but the louder voice of negativity wins. I'm trying so hard to get something completed but feel so scared at same time that i can't do it or won't be good enough at it😔 i feel i want to be someone else a better version of myself but not sure how to get there...but i will💕

    Jodie Stromski | 3 months ago

    HI Maria and all I think we are slaves to our expectations of what makes us happy and this makes us feel unispired and unfulfilled in our lives as we are not reflecting our true selves My story I am a 45 yr old single woman with 2 adult children. I have a 280k mortgage. I am unbelievably trapped in my job because I am stuck in my head with all the things that I want / think I need. I work weekends , I work constantly work work work , this leaves me no time for the things I would love to do. I would love to work in my profession as a registered nurse in Africa or the Philippines, this would inspire and motivate me , but I can't because I'm trapped. My head : you need to have a big house so all the grandkids your u have one day can come over and you'll always have room for the kids to come home, I NEED a new stone benchtop in my kitchen, my car OMG it's 6 yrs old dinosaur lol , I need a face lift( lol this won't be happening) my fridge, washing machine blah blah all old, The issue : change causes me a lot of anxiety. I could sell and buy a 1 bdrm unit outright and live my dream . ( would my kids still love me , would they be angry they have nowhere to go, is this selfish of me ? ) So I keep myself trapped in this uninspiring life. Change is not easy . But without change I will remain unmotivated, unispired and unfulfilled as many of us do Thank you u for your posts Maria , they do help me reflect

    Jackie | 3 months ago

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