So as not to be a hypocrite and sticking to my word to be honest in this journey here goes this post…Today is a beautiful, sunny crispy day. Outside of me. Inside of me it is as dark and sad as can be.
No bloody idea why, but it just is!
It caught me by surprise. But the worst of it all is that it caught my family by surprise also! I cannot stop crying and I cannot explain why. And that, my friends, is what makes it worse! 🙁
I feel soooo much guilt for my family to have to witness this and see me like this! My thoughts go straight to: ‘Im supposed to be the pillar of this family, and they have to see me like this? ‘What must my kids be feeling at seeing their mother break like this?’ ‘Is my husband thinking what the hell am I doing with this woman?’
Today I am ashamed and embarrassed and completely angry at myself for allowing this tenant to overtake me in this way! And I ask myself why? ‘Why can’t I just see what’s around me and be grateful and simply enjoy?’ ‘What is it within me that doesn’t allow my eyes and heart to see the reality of my day instead of playing games with me and putting a dark veil before it all?????’
I need to say I’m sorry to those who see me like this today! Please remember it is not on purpose and if I could control it I would! What I want most is to be the happy version of me you know and miss! I am sorry! I have gone for a drive to get my thoughts back into some order and as I sit writing this I am doing so in the hope to empty my head a little of the stupid and no sense thoughts that I woke up fighting with today!
To my beautiful little family, I am sorry I am taking away from you a nice, sunny and happy Sunday morning! I want it too but it’s as if I am sabotaging myself and not allowing myself to have it with you!
And it makes me angry at myself and makes me want to hide and not deal with the guilt! The feelings of remorse are so strong that they overwhelm me and seem to drain any energy to get up and do something to change these thoughts!
I am purposefully living my days teaching myself thoughts are just that, thoughts… but today the thoughts are so strong that they become overwhelming emotions and therefore very hard to pick and change!!!!!
Please, today try to pretend that all is good and please don’t be upset or upset with me! Please know it will pass and please do not ever take it personally! I love you more than words could ever express and it is because I love you so much that I am being so hard on myself because of what I do to you when I am feeling like this, making it all a vicious circle!
I know it’s hard, frustrating and annoying but please give me a little time to clear my head and be better again!!!!!