Dear Tenant called Depression,
What are you really?
I have read and studied and tried to understand fully what you are, but there are so many versions out there! I continue trying to come up with an answer because after so many years of living with you I still have not come to a full conclusion.
Here are some of the various versions out there, which are also dependent on who I ask, that describe you:
- A physiological illness
- A chemical imbalance in the brain
- Something which needs to be treated with medication
- Something which can only be controlled by changing thought habits
- Something referred to by more spiritual thinking as the ‘ego’
- Something which can be beaten by a whole change and retraining of the brain
- Something we unconsciously choose
- Something we are born with
- Something that gets triggered due to an event, trauma, experience etc.
- Something hereditary
And the list goes on and on…
Well, I am not educated enough to be able to pick one out of this bunch and say ‘Yep, that’s what you are…’
See, the thing is, all of these theories actually make some kind of sense to me also. And it makes it very difficult to choose which one makes the most sense to me and run with it…
So this is what I decided that you are:
- A pain in the butt!!!
- You are what makes my days so difficult
- You are what has stripped me of feeling any form of happiness
- You are what confuses me and doesn’t allow me to think for my own self
- You are what convinces me of things which are not real
- You are what makes me see things in such a distorted way
- You are a constant ache in my heart
- You are what convinces me I am not worthy
- You are the reason for my illogical and out of nowhere tears
- You don’t ever shut the hell up!
You see my Tenant, I have tried running with lots of the different versions of you that exist out there and I have tried to believe so many of the theories!
But you are still always there!!!
I have been recommended to accept you and learn to live with you.
I have been recommended to learn to manage you.
I have been recommended not to choose to live with you
I have been recommended to ignore you
And again, the list of recommendations goes on and on…
Yes, I am on Medication in case you are that chemical imbalance in my brain.
Yes I am working on changing my thought patterns in case it’s just a case of learning to think positively all the time.
Yes, I am putting in place tools I have been learning along the way to accept and manage you, in case you are a lifelong Tenant.
And the truth is, that it is all driving me absolutely crazy!!! Hahahah
You are such a pain, that you just don’t want me to figure it out, do you??? You don’t want me to find what will push you down so much that you will cease having power over me!
Well, fuck you!
I am not giving up although you are soooo good at convincing me I should do just that!
You need to understand something: by saying I am not giving up, I don’t mean I will fight you.
Nope my dear Tenant.
Today, and after the past week I have had of going crazy with thoughts and questions and feelings of overwhelm. Feelings of wanting to throw everything out of the window and just give up the fight, I decide to give you your own set of keys.
You come and go as you wish (you already do anyway…)
When you do come, I will even offer you a cup of tea.
I decide today that I do not fear you any longer.
You unfortunately live in me and until I can figure out a way of getting rid of you for good, if that is at all possible, I am accepting you as part of me.
I am accepting that you don’t make me who I am. You are just a naughty part of me that wants to be seen and heard all the time, but who will learn that that’s not the way to behave.
I will not fuel your fire by fighting you.
I will instead, put your fire out with kindness!
In time you will come to learn to live by my rules, not yours…
You have already robbed me of such a big chunk of my life. It is time I really start getting it back!
So, My Tenant Depression, welcome to MY home, where you will learn to live by MY rules!